Desensitised to life
March 20, 2008 at 8:57 pm | Philosophy | 1 comment
There are people who fall to pieces if their cornflakes go too soggy, and there are those that can have their entire life fall about their ears and still have a smile on their face and a positive outlook.
I like to think I’m in the second category, but how, and at what cost?
The way I deal with Anger/Sadness/Pain (ie; all mentally perceived negativity) is to ignore it, push it aside.
When I see people who don’t do this, who become incapacitated by their own emotions, I blithely tut to myself and think “Geez, just fuckin’ deal with it already”, probably because I assumed that’s what I was doing.
But… That’s not what I’m doing, that is in fact the exact opposite of what I’m doing; I’m avoiding the issue, dodging sideways and letting it pass me by.
Which I always thought was great! Absolutely fantastic! An enabler of my conscious, a way of vanquishing my inner demons and allowing me to get on and do things that I wanted to.
However, it’s have a profound effect on my ability to comprehend the significance of… anything…
The past week I’ve been trying desperately to summon forth some emotion about breaking up with Kim.
I’ve been trying to relive the last precious moments I spent with her, the smell of her hair, the tight clasp she had on my hand as I finally left.
But I can’t, all I can do is remember these anecdotal details and recount them as if I’d read them from a book.
Whenever I try and relive any point of significance that’s had any negative connotations from any point in my life I can’t. I simply bounce off the edge of the memory as if I’ve hit a rev limiter on an engine, and no matter how much I put my foot down I can’t break through.
Don’t mistake this for me wishing to dwell unnecessarily in the past; the very last thing I want to do is become obsessed by moments or people that I’ve lost.
But these events in my past deserve recognition, significance and above all the ability to remember them if I choose.
I originally developed my auto-repression technique (as I like to call it) in my late teens, when I was trying to become more socially adept.
The problem I always faced was worrying about making a fool of myself.
I couldn’t walk up to a girl without subconsciously and spontaneously thinking about all the ways in which I could fuck up the conversation, and how utterly dejected and self loathingly embarrassed I would feel afterwards.
When I even got as far as inevitably making a fool of myself I would obsess about it for weeks afterwards, I put myself through the humiliations so many times in my mind after they happened, I’d go to any length to avoid them in the future.
The only way I could think of to overcome this was by simply stopping being embarrassed about this, and this was achieved by not thinking about any embarrassments after they happened, which in turn was achieved by repressing the memories.
Unfortunately now, I’m repressing not only memories of bad events, but those of good events and even future hopes and expectations!
It’s been very nearly a year since I originally decided to quit my job and up sticks and move, but I have completely repressed any excitement or anticipation about it.
Less than a month remains until my departure date and I’m looking forward to it about as much as my evening meal, I’m completely indifferent to it.
This is stupid! I can’t go through life being indifferent to everything that happens to me.
Sure it might make me ‘stable’ or maybe even ‘capable’ but Christ it’s no way to live!
I need to taste the highs, feel the anticipation of plunging my feet in to the Mediterranean for the first time in over a decade, the fear of the unknown, the remorse of leaving behind everything I know and love.
I was just passing through your blog and I had to comment. I just read the post where you left Kim at the house, and I’ve been through the same experience myself, leaving my husband behind to go join the Navy.
I thought, oh well, coincidence, whatever. So I kept reading, finding it interesting, the start of this trip, exciting. So I get to this post, almost lost in the sea of preparations and all that. I hate to be that person that’s like, omg, I know! But yeah. My husband thinks I’m a fucking ice queen, nothing excites me ever, I don’t cry, I’m not the one who falls to pieces. He’s over the top about everything!
But I suppose it is part of coping. Maybe you felt you had to be cold (not cold, but you know, unresponsive made you sound dead) in order to complement her. If she was in a mood, you simply played to opposite to balance it out. Likewise with other situations. Or maybe you’re just living too fast, not slowing down to savor anything.
I dunno. I’m rambling after having too many bottles myself, but it was good to find someone (who is nothing at all like me) able to express in honest good language what the hell I also go through life feeling.
Kudos on the trip, I’ll be stopping by to see how it goes.